Sunday, April 26, 2009

About Today

Today at Church, my preacher Rusty told us that we were part of an experiment. You see, we are in a building that is less than a year old. After about 15 years as a Church that met in various high schools, we built a facility. It is amazing. Tons of extras that you would want in your Church. The experiment is that we are closing the balcony for a while. Rusty and a group of leaders feels that as a Church, worshipping together sometimes means being close. Physically close. I like it. I do feel the love of those around me. Sometimes, when I look around and realize how far we have come as a Church, I cry.

Although the message was great, I got a huge heart pain while there. Not a medical kind of pain. Just an ache. The kind the makes your mind wander all over the place. I was thinking only about Russia. I did the thing that an adoptive mom should never do while in a large group who are all now, very close. I allowed myself to remember when my girls were still in the orphanage. I allowed myself to imagine them being scared or lonely. I allowed if only for a brief minute the way my girls would appear if they were paraded out in front of families that may or may not want to adopt them. I torture myself sometimes this way. I think I am preparing myself to return to Russia next summer. What I don't know is if any of us can handle what we see while not wearing our adoption goggles. Jen, Missi, and I may think we are prepared, but in reality, it may be so difficult that we do the one thing I have promised Never to do..Forget the place where my girls lived...

So after I tortured myself Rusty read this:

"Search me, O God, and know my heart: test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

Psalm 139

HOnest to goodness, I lost it. This is the verse that I would read and repeat in my car at lunch everyday while waiting on the process to start for AugustRose. I was like a savant, rocking and crying, and reading and reading and reading.

So today, I am still a little tender. Tender for all of those families who have their adoption googles on. Those who will nervously walk into the baby homes and find their children. Tender for those who are waiting and wondering. I haven't forgotten how hard the wait is. I haven't forgotten that somehow God walked my family through it.

You have read the verse that got me through AugustRose's adoption, here is the song that was sort of the song of the day...It reminds me of that time in my life

And from Anna's adoption,

big edit!!!



There is so much more that I wanted to say today but it is all wrapped up right now...


Carrie said...

Hi! I just saw a comment from you on another blog and thought I would hop over to say hello.

My children are from Novokuznetsk. I was wondering which baby home your daughter is from and when you traveled there.
Ours are from BH#1 and we were there in Dec 04 and April 08.

kate said...

Didn't know those songs. Esp. like "Delilah".

When I visit the orphanages, if I don't know the children, it's an easy trip. I just come in with sunshine. (And, Son shine.)

With "my" girls, the trip there is sometimes hard. The trip back is usually hard. But, while I'm there, it's all about THEM.

I don't get choked up and emotional when I'm with the kids because I'm too busy being WITH the kids.

You'll have a great trip! (I'm planning on you visiting St. P then, too.)

kate said...

Like the new header!

But, it's hard to see. I often have a hard time with your background bleeding through your pix and washing them out. Sometimes your cute girlies look a little blue...or green.

Maybe it's just me?

Annie said...

What a touching post.

I know what you mean about "closeness" during worship. One time they miscalculated and had an evening holy day Mass in the Chapel rather than the church. It was a wonderful experience....people were standing all around the periphery, crammed into the pews. I'll always remember it because we all felt so close.

I don't think about my children in the orphanage...or if I do, I don't think of them as unhappy, because I don't think they were. They are such lovely people that I often think "They are mine to mess up...." I guess in the same way, I worry more, lest I make their lives less good.

That is a good post idea for me....

Jen Stevens said...

you are so right about our trip. I often question myself about how I will be going with the knowledge that I won't be coming home and bringing even 1 of those sweet angels out.
Oh it makes my heart heavy, but I keep thinking of the baby steps and glimpses of hope we might bring.
PS - love the new look!