Although the message was great, I got a huge heart pain while there. Not a medical kind of pain. Just an ache. The kind the makes your mind wander all over the place. I was thinking only about Russia. I did the thing that an adoptive mom should never do while in a large group who are all now, very close. I allowed myself to remember when my girls were still in the orphanage. I allowed myself to imagine them being scared or lonely. I allowed if only for a brief minute the way my girls would appear if they were paraded out in front of families that may or may not want to adopt them. I torture myself sometimes this way. I think I am preparing myself to return to Russia next summer. What I don't know is if any of us can handle what we see while not wearing our adoption goggles. Jen, Missi, and I may think we are prepared, but in reality, it may be so difficult that we do the one thing I have promised Never to do..Forget the place where my girls lived...
So after I tortured myself Rusty read this:
"Search me, O God, and know my heart: test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."
HOnest to goodness, I lost it. This is the verse that I would read and repeat in my car at lunch everyday while waiting on the process to start for AugustRose. I was like a savant, rocking and crying, and reading and reading and reading.
So today, I am still a little tender. Tender for all of those families who have their adoption googles on. Those who will nervously walk into the baby homes and find their children. Tender for those who are waiting and wondering. I haven't forgotten how hard the wait is. I haven't forgotten that somehow God walked my family through it.
You have read the verse that got me through AugustRose's adoption, here is the song that was sort of the song of the day...It reminds me of that time in my life
And from Anna's adoption,
PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR THE EARLIER VERSION OF THIS SONG....I DID NOT REALIZE THAT THERE WAS FOUL LANGUAGE WRITTEN ON THE SLIDE SHOW....BIG OLE OOOOPPPPPS.
I CAN'T EMBED THE SONG, BUT I DID WANT YOU TO HEAR IT!!
There is so much more that I wanted to say today but it is all wrapped up right now...