Monday, June 01, 2009

The Door is Closed...

Sometimes you can feel a shift. Actually feel the earth slowly, ever so slowly moving under your feet, and you know that no matter how hard you try to stand firm, you just can't. I am feeling that shift. The shift comes after many many doors have closed on my plans. Doors I had only considered opening, have slammed in front of me. There have been no open windows. Not only are there no open windows, the light from what windows I do have is dimming to a level that is nearly unmanageable. As hard as I have fought to see any light source, I see the shade of everything.
I am so overcome with the reality of what is now, that I cannot imagine what foot to put foreward and what foot should collapse under me, taking my whole self down with it..I cannot hope for what I thought I could hope for. I cannot dream of what I thought I should dream of. So for now, I do what everyone who is lost does. I turn back to the One who has brought me so much joy. The One who made me a mother. And as hard as life seems lately, I have to face that once again, I don't have to know what the future holds, I just have to trust that He will give me the light I need. He will give me the door and windows that need to be opened.. I am going to break away from this whole blog thing for a while.


Annie said...

Oh, you are making me so sorry! Is this the disappointment of not going back to Russia.... Oh, I do understand. I gave up on the job idea long ago...between the reluctant husband, the multiple children, and the not-at-all-interested schools... Wouldn't you think they'd WANT a mature, experienced teacher who LOVES their country????? Then, I did think there were possibilities for the summer...but immediately my parish goes haywire and I can't take the summer off any more, then there are money worries, so I can't really go visit, begins to feel like I might not ever even get there for a vacation again! Breaks my heart.

So, I have to thank God I have the BEST of Russia right in my home. Isn't that miracle enough?

Still....I have a few glimmers of hope....someday, maybe.

Don't go totally away; I'll really miss my soulmate.

kate said...

He will, Julianne.

And we'll be here to welcome you back!

Nancy said...

Just tuned in for an update & found you are taking a break! Hope all is well & you find the "light at the end of the tunnel". HE will guide & lead through the darkness.

If/when you return, link to my blog, if you want. Let's keep in touch (single mama here).

I'll wait to link to your blog until you give me permission.

Stay Stong! God Bless! An extra blessing sent your way.