I honestly think I could be very, very close to a breakdown of some sort. And not the kind you get when something is heavy on your mind, and all doors are closing, and all roads lead to somewhere awful, and all thoughts are terrible and distressing.
Because as many of you know, I have two great little girls, a lovely new home with lots of fun projects to work on, loving parents and a sis who support me at every turn, friends like Martha Stewart, (Missi) Lee, Berna, and Margaret, and a job that is actually pretty great this year.
BUT,the back issue brought me to tears at my job today. So much so, that I called my doctor and asked for a scrip for a new MRI. (mine is almost 2 years old) After I got home, my mom picked me up and drove me to the MRI shoppe. She drove me since I drugged myself on muscle relaxers and pain meds. So I get there, and go into the little room, and she shoved me head first into the tunnel. Now, I have done this twice before. Once for my back, and once on my brain. The brain scan was especially fantastic because I got to wear a halo thing, and the entire time I was thinking of dashed Olympic Dreams and singing "Richard's Window" in my mind. Somehow, I was throwing in Ice Castles too, but at that point I was just making odd connections.
Anyway, at 23 seconds, I felt my lips began to tingle, and my heart started beating really fast, and I lost it..I started screaming, and I irrationally thought I was going to die possibly. I think I thought the machine was going to collapse in on me, but my thoughts were racing so quickly, that I am not sure what exactly I was thinking. I just know I was terrified and by the time the bed was wheeled out of the tube, I was sweating and crying. I couldn't gather myself, since I was so embarrassed, but more let down than anything else. I know that in order to get medial assistance with my back pain, I have to have this done, and I was let down that I couldn't do the thing I needed to do to make that happen. She got the other tech and they brought a little hand held oxygen tank, and gave me a litte toot of air, and I calmed down.
I kept apologizing to the tech who was explaining that she goes through this as well. I just can't believe that I couldn't make it through 20 or so minutes of something uncomfortable.
But what troubles me is that the tingling thing that happens to my lips is the reason that I had the brain scan, and I NEVER thought it was symptomatic of anxiety or panic. Now, I am thinking that all of the lip tingling, heart and arm fluttering, racing thoughts, the urge to pass out, the urge to cry for no apparent reason, just might be an anxiety issue.
So here I sit. If I wanted to, I could still burst into tears, two hours later.
Now, I will wake up tomorrow and try to get an appointment at the open MRI shoppe, but regardless, I will be asking for Valium, Zanex, and hell, if it calms me down, throw some vodka in the mix!