Friday, April 09, 2010

Are you effing kidding me? Really?

Ok, so this rant is gonna be brutally honest. My thought and opinions of Torry Ann Hansen of Shelbyville, Tennessee and her act of absolute cruelty this week.

Let's start with, I believe in forever.

I am still sad that my parents divorced when I was 16. Luckily, they always acted like adults and although it hurt everyone then, we have morphed into a very solid, very close family. My mom and dad still spend every holiday together even before there were grans. I am full of strong, "stick it out" gypsy blood. The moment I laid eyes on Anna's referral photo, she was mine. AugustRose referral photo was so awful that I cried. So for her adoption, I fell in love with her when she walked around the corner of the director's office at her orphanage. Forever. Always.

My girlz were given to me by Russia. Seems sort of mystical and PollyAnna-ish, sure. But there is one half of my heart that feels intense grattitude.

The other half of my heart wants to rip the eyes out of the higher ups who are now all over Russian and American news programs chastizing Torry Hansen (ALL AMERICANS) for sending her adopted son back to Russia. Really? Where have you been Mr. Ministry of Blah Blah? There are only 740K orphans in your country, and now you are soooo concerned about this one? Well, here's a thought. Adopt them and we won't have to. Or get to.

It's hard to split my mind that way. To love and to loathe.

We all know someone like Torry Hansen. You know her. The woman who is in the middle of a tough situation. But instead of trying to fix it, or work on it, she looks for people to blame for the problem she faces...So who does our mom of the hour choose to blame? The Ministry of Education in Moscow. If she really meant what she wrote in her letter, she would have sent the child back to Vladivostock. Which brings me to question what is really going on here.

I am sensing there is more to this than we are hearing right now. There is a reason that this woman took this step...This woman is mad. She is angry.

She never contacted her agency about problems. Never contacted her local Department of Social Services. Was she new???Didn't she have a million friends, Real or Virtual who she could lean on? What the hell?

The largest problem is that the one person who should have been able to offer reasonable options cosigned her disfunction by becoming an active participant in this years version of the all too familiar nightmare for WAITING FAMILIES. Thanx Grandma.

And where is that guy they paid $200.oo to deliver the child? I have stayed pretty close with most of the Russian folks that helped me during my adoptions, but not in the;

"Hey, my shiny new Russian kid is a terror, can you pick 'em up from the airport and return 'em" kind of close.

I am telling you. There is more to this.

Because I am a forever girl, I want to smack some sense into the heads of this duo. I want to shake them and let them know that there is no one who is at fault here but them. Grandma traveled with her daughter when she adopted this poor child. Blaming the orphanage is laughable. I have said it before, I don't get people who can consider NOT being forever kind of parents. Maybe because my girlz are very easy kind of kids. Maybe because I have lots of support from family, friends, and blogger folks who offer ideas, do I feel this way.

But give me an effing break. A plane alone? How could this idea seem legit to anyone over the age of 12? So tonight, my heart is angry with the dynamic duo for NOT being

Forever kind of people.
my thoughts and prayers are very much with waiting families. i have been there. Nina Hilt rocked my adoption.


Jen Stevens said...

I am SOOOOOO with you! This makes me sick and possibly too that she lived under a rock to have been so out of touch to consider returning a child. For pete sake it isn't a pair of pants that doesn't fit.

Being in the foster care realm right now I know how hard it is to let go when you know that you aren't the "forever", but this is crazy - when you make that choice to love and parent forever, realize what that means to a child who is broken from the decisions of others!!!

Tina in CT said...

So, so tragic for the child and also what this will do for people waiting to adopt from Russia.

Annie said...

I did my own rant, but I like your take, too.

I just keep thinking of all the people on the adoption disruption boards - people who have adopted from disruption before, people who have run therapeutic foster homes, people who are professional social workers or psychologists - people LOOKING, PRAYING for a child young enough that they'd have time to work with him or her and make a difference. Every time someone wants to disrupt a child under ten, there are lines of people just praying, begging that their home be considered. But this woman just HAD to cause an international incident.

You are right...there is something else going on here, but I begin to think it is just a case of "wow, those people are STRANGE".... Don't you run into parents like that as a teacher? Rare (thank heaven) but every so often, you just shake your head because they seem to completely lack any sort of normalcy.

And I'm with you. Adoption/Biological birth. For me there is no difference at all.

Jojo, Julz, Julianne said...

I want to add that I DO NOT have negative feelings about the people who "Clean up" disruption messes..I think those people are simply amazing. I only get a weird sickness in my tummy towards the family who disrupts after thinkin they could handle an older child adoption. Any family praying and wanting to be a savior to those "given up on" children are sent directly by God. And Jen, this includes foster families!!
I just know there is more here. Much more. The media is not getting at the real problem. Maybe Grandma? Maybe this women is off..
Maybe mom is off too! More "off" than it takes then to think a flight to Russia is legit!!!

Kat said...

I'm with you. This makes me sick. I just can't understand how they gave up this child or how in their mind they thought it would be OK to let him travel alone. What I also don't understand is why US authorities are not charging the "mother" with neglect? FCOL! If they had sent him to Russia on a vacation alone they'd be tossing "mom" in jail. I use the quotes because this woman is no mother. She became a mom when she adopted that boy but she is clearly not a "mother." I've been thinking about you and Diane lately and thinking what our lives at church and in small group would be like if you two didn't have your girls. Raising kids is never easy, I imagine, and raising a child as an adoptive mom probably comes with slightly different challenges (or may be it doesn't) but you just don't send a kid back. You just don't.

Darryn and Jamie said...

I couldn't agree with you more if I had written your post myself! We begged the Russian court system to grant our adoption nearly 3 years ago. We promised we will ALWAYS love and cherish our dd. We promised to provide for ALL of her needs and we thanked them for allowing us the honor of adopting her. She is our daughter! The TN duo had to have done similar. The daughter has her master's degree in nursing - yet she couldn't find him help. I agree with you she is not a dumb woman! Great - now I'm ANGRY again :O)

Anonymous said...

Here is the driver's side of the story.

Anonymous said...

It was really that bad - both sides need more information...look up Reactive Attachment Disorder - it is very real!!! I am not happy about it either, I blame more than just that mom.... been there... hopefully all sides will wake up

Annie said...

Anonymous - one of my children is clearly on the RAD spectrum - and it IS a trial - no question. Our Russian foster son has had more challenges yet - but a perfectly well-balanced child might develop problems having to live with someone capable of displaying the level of judgment, problem-solving skills, and intelligence of this woman.

So - creating an international incident while scarring a child for life and exacerbating any emotional problems he might have - THAT makes any kind of sense?

Jojo, Julz, Julianne said...

You are soo right. I also blame the grandmother..The mother either lied during her PP report meeting, or had such a short threshold for the "unknown" that she literally allowed a month of RAD behavior and then sent him back...
SHE MADE THE CHOICE, to adopt an older child. Listen, I chose an infant. (which in comparison to adopting an older child is a CAKEWALK) God chooses parents from his basket of Heroes to adopt older children. HE knows they need to be a bit stronger, smarter, more patient, more accepting, more tolerant...And TOrry Let HIM DOWN!!!
(And to all the parents who adopted infants, this is no slam...God chose us too, just from a different basket...He knew we needed more from baby stage than the Older child heroes!!!)

Annie said...

I'm not sure you can really say that infants or older kids are easier or harder. My Sergei, who came at 10 has been IDEAL from day one. I could not have asked for a happier, more cooperative, easy-going, sweet-natured son. And I do know that some people have found that their infants and toddlers had deep issues stemming from abuse or neglect in those first precious months. You never know, but I agree that parenting is the most beautiful God-given responsibility - whether it turns out to be difficult or easy.