Thursday, September 30, 2010

Awww the Memories...

It's been a rainy few days around here, and I am waxing sentimental about summer...So here is a tiny bit of the first part of our summer, the trip to Walt Disney with my mom and sister. It was much hotter than it appears. And it was doubly magical! Enjoy!

Friday, September 24, 2010


I share a lot about myself and my life, but these will be NEW things that I have never shared. Nothing too outrageous, just new.

*1. For a long time I was the "rotten spoiled bitter" child in my family It was clear that my only sister was the Favorite..My sister is a lesbian, and NOW I think I am the favorite!! Hee, Hee, my sister will get a kick out of that!
*2. I only eat with plastic cutlery when I am at home..I hate metal/silver forks and spoons.
*3. I drop plenty of EFF bombs...(but never in front of my kiddies)
*4. I love expensive purses, and buy one a year for myself. Poor or not.
*5. We have lived in our new house for over a year, and we still have no living room furniture. I am starting to think I am going to leave it empty.

Monday, September 20, 2010


Without a Plan B...
Still broken hearted. I drive through my neighborhood and think, Bleckkkkk....So familiar, easy to navigate. Boring.

I cried to my dad for a good hour about the whole thing..I think he and Missi understand it most. And of course Annie! My dad is a gypsy at heart and will go anywhere! Because of our shared history, Missi understands the desire the most. So I cry to her.  I think my dad was actually looking forward to us going somewhere in Russia. He was thinking of getting a job somewhere near there like the Ukraine, and he could visit a lot...
This year, my job is going to be challenging to say the least. On a lot of levels. And I still have no money left by the second week after payday. (We get paid once a month)...
See, I told you there was lots of negativity around here..

I am trying to find some tutoring work to help make ends meet. And I am getting a mortgage on my house so I can pay my parents back..Hopefully, that will make my payment go down...

I am reaching out to anyone and everyone I know to help me find a lead on a job..Yes, a job outside of teaching. What I DO know is that I cannot teach at my school anymore. I need to get closer to home. It takes an hour to get to school and a little over that to get home..Thats about 12 hours a week that I lose with my girlz..I want that back. And the gas it takes to travel is killing me.
Transferring schools scares me. You know the saying, "The devil you know is better than the one you don't."
I love my teammates. I love them. I could cry just thinking about working with other teachers. My team has been with me through my marriage, infertility, divorce and adoptions.I have been with them through marriage, (Anna was a flower girl for one teammate) one baby girl for one, and just last week a baby boy for the other.
I taught with my principal, we have known each other for 17 years. I know those hallways and class rooms like the back of my hand..I know the families. I am teaching 4 little siblings of former students this year. But the extras are really weighing me down!
So if I just left teaching and took some kind of government job, maybe I wouldn't feel so guilty and sad..

Anna started school, AugustRose started preschool, both have started ballet, and Anna started swim team.
And she is good. Really good. I love every teacher they have. And they are loved back.
I am back to teaching every other week at Church and going to sink into those families! I am praying a lot to help me cope with not getting the Thing I wanted.
I should share that I do have the TWO things that I needed and that complete my heart. My girlz daily life is enough to keep my soul at ease, but it's that part of my heart that wanted to go to Russia that is still a little banged up.
Through prayer, I am trying to hear what I should do long term. I have to be honest and say that we are so busy with swim team that I have to make time to pray. Given that, I am sure God is giving me the same in return. Ya know, He's so busy that He will make time to help me with my little problems!!
Until I can figure my life out, I am just going to drive back and forth to the pool for swim team and dream of the Russian Far East, and Novosibirsk, and hope that someone out there has a lead for me...

Friday, September 10, 2010

It's A No...

Now I know.
I can’t go to St. Petersburg to teach. It was handled with care, but AAS simply cannot afford to pay for both of my girlz to attend gratis. All I can say is that I was being serious when I said, “There is no Plan B…”

I am going to lay low for a while on my blog..I don’t feel like sharing anything lately. It’s all boring, and negative around here…

My heart is broken that I can’t give my girlz the experiences I wanted to. That we can’t be together at school. That I can’t give them their heritage back. That I can’t strategically place them among other children who are going places..That we can’t go on this type of magical mystery trip together. That I can’t show them by doing..It’s so much more than just a job. There is something deep within that pulls me there. I guess you’d have to know my history, and how Russia changed my life in the most amazingly delightful ways to understand…

I honestly don’t know where to go from here. I am paralyzed/
I never felt like I had too much. But I guess I do.

Monday, September 06, 2010

Aren't We The Happy Family?

The say you can learn a lot about people simply from their portraits..You know,
people naturally move and conform in a moment and the camera lense captures the "trueness" of the family...Well, for us, its a lie..We are happy there, yes. But this is not how I have felt this week. Overwelmed with the millions of school things I have to do, overwhelmed at the millions of things I need to do at my house...And on top of it, I have to get myself and the girlz to a dentist appointment, eye doctor for the girlz, yearly appointment for the girlz, which means I have to take a day off of work at least a couple of times this month..(this is when I wish I didn't go to Florida for so long)
I am not being a very good mother lately. I cannot get my girlz to clean up their messes. And what I want to do is throw out about 1/2 of what they own..BECAUSE they have too much. Too many different little sets of things. Too many times they have eaten in their room leaving crumbs..Too many times I let them convince me that they will do it in the morning. (And they don't)

Sorry. No happy happy today.
Today I am just OVER, being a single mom. Right about now I wish I could say,
"You two better clean up, or WAIT TIL YOUR FATHER GET'S HOME"