Monday, September 20, 2010

Still

Without a Plan B...
Still broken hearted. I drive through my neighborhood and think, Bleckkkkk....So familiar, easy to navigate. Boring.


I cried to my dad for a good hour about the whole thing..I think he and Missi understand it most. And of course Annie! My dad is a gypsy at heart and will go anywhere! Because of our shared history, Missi understands the desire the most. So I cry to her.  I think my dad was actually looking forward to us going somewhere in Russia. He was thinking of getting a job somewhere near there like the Ukraine, and he could visit a lot...
This year, my job is going to be challenging to say the least. On a lot of levels. And I still have no money left by the second week after payday. (We get paid once a month)...
See, I told you there was lots of negativity around here..

I am trying to find some tutoring work to help make ends meet. And I am getting a mortgage on my house so I can pay my parents back..Hopefully, that will make my payment go down...

I am reaching out to anyone and everyone I know to help me find a lead on a job..Yes, a job outside of teaching. What I DO know is that I cannot teach at my school anymore. I need to get closer to home. It takes an hour to get to school and a little over that to get home..Thats about 12 hours a week that I lose with my girlz..I want that back. And the gas it takes to travel is killing me.
Transferring schools scares me. You know the saying, "The devil you know is better than the one you don't."
I love my teammates. I love them. I could cry just thinking about working with other teachers. My team has been with me through my marriage, infertility, divorce and adoptions.I have been with them through marriage, (Anna was a flower girl for one teammate) one baby girl for one, and just last week a baby boy for the other.
I taught with my principal, we have known each other for 17 years. I know those hallways and class rooms like the back of my hand..I know the families. I am teaching 4 little siblings of former students this year. But the extras are really weighing me down!
So if I just left teaching and took some kind of government job, maybe I wouldn't feel so guilty and sad..

BUT,
Anna started school, AugustRose started preschool, both have started ballet, and Anna started swim team.
And she is good. Really good. I love every teacher they have. And they are loved back.
I am back to teaching every other week at Church and going to sink into those families! I am praying a lot to help me cope with not getting the Thing I wanted.
I should share that I do have the TWO things that I needed and that complete my heart. My girlz daily life is enough to keep my soul at ease, but it's that part of my heart that wanted to go to Russia that is still a little banged up.
Through prayer, I am trying to hear what I should do long term. I have to be honest and say that we are so busy with swim team that I have to make time to pray. Given that, I am sure God is giving me the same in return. Ya know, He's so busy that He will make time to help me with my little problems!!
Until I can figure my life out, I am just going to drive back and forth to the pool for swim team and dream of the Russian Far East, and Novosibirsk, and hope that someone out there has a lead for me...

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Girl you know I love you. Never give up, never. I was thinking we could put you on Match.com. We can hook you up with a guy in St. Pete's!!!
We will go back someday. And leave our footprint on their souls.
Love you!
M

Tina in CT said...

Why not move closer to your school so you don't have the commute?

Annie said...

Or....though you like your girls' teachers, could you enroll them where you teach? Or closer? I absolutely cherish the time I spent in the car with Lydia going to dance (about 3 hours a day, several days a week for years); it was really quality time.

kate said...

I still say the mission field may be calling. What is your church's mission policy? I was ready to go to Odessa to teach the other missionary's kids. (Didn't raise my support--but that's an issue I have with OUR church's mission policy.)

HilaryS said...

Julianne, I am so sorry that I have not commented or left you a message recently during these tough times for you. Don't give up the dream. The girls are still young, and I feel that one of these days the plan will appear and you will be able to make your dream come true. In the meantime, enjoy those beautiful girls and those special memories we have of Russia.

Hilary