Sunday, November 14, 2010

Day 29 and 30 Wishes...and a Picture

It's tough to ponder what I really wish for..I am still, after several months, adjusting to the fact that I won't be in Russia next year..Funny, all the things I was willing to walk away from are seeming more and more important to me..Swim Team, Ballet, my home, my mom, dad, and sister, neighborhood playtime, my Church, friends, are beginning to bring me the everyday joy I have been missing..Although I haven't truly come up with a plan B, I guess my wish would be to find a job closer to home..A job that brings me satisfaction...
I am posting a picture of AugustRose from the summer at my dad's beach house.
This weekend I got a copy of our last post placement report. Our time under the control of the Russian authorities is officially over. I am sad about it. I have been either in the process of adopting or doing PPRs for the past 8 years. Weird to think that I am finished with it all..Thank you Novosibirsk and Komsomolsk for giving me the most precious gifts. A peice of my heart will always be with both cities!

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Day 28 Something That Stresses Me Out

Lately, everything stresses me out. But the one that is causing the biggest irritation for me is my commute.
It takes over an hour to get to my job and traffic is a bear. I don't mind slowly creeping to me job, but the idiots I commute with seem VERY determined to weave in and out of the lanes in order to gain an inch from where they started! And if I happen to be in the way, Oh let the horns start to blow. Sometimes I see the really angry driver who throws his hands in the air behind me and yells in his car. Really? If I can change my commute, hopefully a lot of other things will fall in line!

Day 25 26 27

Day 25 was to put your Ipod on shuffle and press play and see what song comes up..No Ipod for me..

Day 26 is to post a pic of the family...Check out my header, that's us!

Day 27 Pets...We don't have one and don't plan on gettin' one.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Day 23..or something. I am too ADD to remember. Something I Have Learned

Believe in God, and trust Him.

Man have I been down on my knees, beggin Him to get me through. And He does..I am a really hot mess most of the time, and need as much help as I can gather...He is there.
When I waited for court, He was there. When I waited for a referral, he was there. When I ache and cry, He is there..When I am joyful, He is there..

It's been a long time since I shared how grateful I am.Even in the storms of life, I am grateful. For everything I have and everything I am...


There are two...
Family trips to Walt Disney World to celebrate someone's birthday...
Long weekend trips to NYC, to show my girlz the city...

Monday, November 08, 2010

Day 21 Favorite City

Hands Down, no question, Khabarovsk Russia...

Saturday, November 06, 2010

Day 20 Nicknames.

I have several nicknames..Jojo, Julz, And Tiger, which everyone associated to my dad STILL calls me at 42..If anyone on my dad's side of the family were asked, they would know me that way..No one has EVER called me Julie. or Ann.

As for my girlz, both have lots of nicknames.
Anna's: Annechka, the most common. Anni, Pootie, Sussie, and Ahn.
AugustRose: Auggie, Rosie, Tootsie, AugaRose, and Augalee..

Many, many, times when I call the girlz at the same time, I call them, "Hooootttiies" I don't know where hoootie came from, just sounds loving and fun to me. When I am fussing at them I use their formal names...

Friday, November 05, 2010

Day 19...Something I Miss

There are lots of little things that I miss. Things from childhood like going on vacation with my family, or finding happiness without smoking..But the things I miss most aren't really things, but people..

When I first moved away from Florida, I moved to Capitol Hill in DC. I worked a second job waiting tables and met a guy there. We became best friends. He was my gay husband, and I was his "hag." We did everything together. Holidays, trips, 2nd jobs, and everything else in the world you could think of..He had a partner and we were close too, but not how I was with Russ. He was always there for me. He dug my car out when it snowed. He fixed anything I would break. He was a real friend..When my idiot X moved up to DC, it put a strain on our relationship. As I shared earlier, the X and I were on again off again and at the times we were off, my dear friend Russ would be there for him. It truly broke my heart.

I thought we would grow old together. When  I married then separated, Russ set my X up with a new girl. And the X dated her while we were apart..Something I didn't know until I reunited with the X after September 11th. Oddly, Russ hurt me as much as my X, but I would still forgive him if it ever happened..

I miss my dog too. Her name was Iris and she was a cairn terrier. She died the day I came home from Russia with Anna. She was 17. And the two most special "people" never got to meet...AugustRose reminds me of my little pooch so much. Fiesty and mean..But adorable and squishy too...For the longest time, I called Anna by Iris' name since I was so used to saying it..

The last thing I really miss is my small group at Church. I used to go every other Thursday night. With the girlz schedule, it's not possible to make it. My Church friendships have suffered. I am not sure how to work my way around it..

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

Day 18 Something I Regret

Man, I could fill a few blog posts with regrets..Most of them pretty minor in the grand scheme of things. Most of them didn't really affect the path I am still on...Some of them were truly hurtful. Some of them were not..
 I am all about honesty. All about the truth, ugly or not. Trashy or not. So here goes.
Once upon a time I was married. Like my mother used to say, "he wasn't our people."At best he was an addict, at worst a sociopath..At the time we married, he was clean and sort of sober. He drank but not really that much..I had this "broken wing" theory that I could "fix" anyone. I took it seriously and made it my mission to fix this problem of his and make our relationship work..We married in Vegas, and like the commercial says, "It shoulda stayed there.." During that trip, I got pregnant..I found out at two months and was thrilled. I had several doctor's appointments, and at 11.5 weeks had my first sonogram..It wasn't there. No heartbeat. I was wrecked. Broken..And my Xhusband was too..Shortly after we started trying again..Nothing. And it made me crazy. I went through months and months of fertility treatments since I knew there was a problem..
Shots, meds, more shots, daily doctors appointments..UGG.
And then my idiot X and I fell apart. He started using pills..I started using food. My doctor scheduled surgery since he suspected my endometriosis was the problem..Arguments, fights, nastiness and the day my surgery happened, he left. My mom and sister were with me when I came home from the hospital to an empty house..But that is not the regret. The regret came many many months later..
I had decided that I would not, could not take him back again. No.
But then September 11th happened. And like everyone in the world, I felt a sense of loss and terror, and called him..And that ONE phone call is my regret. That call led to many others, and many date nights, and us getting back together...Fast forward and we were back together..Fast forward again and we were right where we were the year before..But the last time was it..He had made some mistakes in those months apart that could not be forgiven. God knows I tried, but just couldn't.
I can put our relationship into this one short blog post, but it was many many years of heartache and pain. There was some happiness in there, but not enough to keep it going..A phone call. My biggest regret is a phone call.

Tuesday, November 02, 2010

Day 17 Something I Am Looking Forward To...

I am a simple girl and look forward to:
the weekend.
Sleeping late on Saturday, Church on Sunday..That's about it...

But on a grander scale, I look forward to most anything that I can do with my family.

Monday, November 01, 2010

Day, My Dream House

View of house driving through tree lined driveway

Expansive deck, patio and home from back!Stamped concrete patio and sidewalk lead to barn

Barn View   

If you want the real details go to the link...

A Bible Verse Day, something or other

Anna wasn't Anna. Before the referral, the baby I would adopt would be name Mary. (After my Mother) The middle name wasn't solid yet..Then I had a dream, a dream about a child named Garland..And I kid you not, I opened my bible and here is what I read...

Listen, my son, to your father's instruction and do not forsake your mother's teaching.

They will be a garland to grace your head and a chain to adorn your neck. - Proverbs 1:8-9

Day ? A Picture I Love

After putting the comforter over the edges of the crib in Moscow, a sleeping Anna gave me her foot to tickle..She was sound alseep but already used to me tickling her to sleep! Not even home to America, but already used to "lovin"...