Wednesday, November 03, 2010

Day 18 Something I Regret

Man, I could fill a few blog posts with regrets..Most of them pretty minor in the grand scheme of things. Most of them didn't really affect the path I am still on...Some of them were truly hurtful. Some of them were not..
 I am all about honesty. All about the truth, ugly or not. Trashy or not. So here goes.
Once upon a time I was married. Like my mother used to say, "he wasn't our people."At best he was an addict, at worst a sociopath..At the time we married, he was clean and sort of sober. He drank but not really that much..I had this "broken wing" theory that I could "fix" anyone. I took it seriously and made it my mission to fix this problem of his and make our relationship work..We married in Vegas, and like the commercial says, "It shoulda stayed there.." During that trip, I got pregnant..I found out at two months and was thrilled. I had several doctor's appointments, and at 11.5 weeks had my first sonogram..It wasn't there. No heartbeat. I was wrecked. Broken..And my Xhusband was too..Shortly after we started trying again..Nothing. And it made me crazy. I went through months and months of fertility treatments since I knew there was a problem..
Shots, meds, more shots, daily doctors appointments..UGG.
And then my idiot X and I fell apart. He started using pills..I started using food. My doctor scheduled surgery since he suspected my endometriosis was the problem..Arguments, fights, nastiness and the day my surgery happened, he left. My mom and sister were with me when I came home from the hospital to an empty house..But that is not the regret. The regret came many many months later..
I had decided that I would not, could not take him back again. No.
But then September 11th happened. And like everyone in the world, I felt a sense of loss and terror, and called him..And that ONE phone call is my regret. That call led to many others, and many date nights, and us getting back together...Fast forward and we were back together..Fast forward again and we were right where we were the year before..But the last time was it..He had made some mistakes in those months apart that could not be forgiven. God knows I tried, but just couldn't.
I can put our relationship into this one short blog post, but it was many many years of heartache and pain. There was some happiness in there, but not enough to keep it going..A phone call. My biggest regret is a phone call.


Tina in CT said...

I'm sad to read that you had so much pain in that marriage and the miscarriage and infertility.

My regrets - (1) I wanted my ex, daughter and I to spend Xmas in Zermat skiing when she was in middle school. I had guilt about my mother as she'd be home alone. Can't remember if she said she'd come with us. (2) I wanted to work in Germany at a US Base as a civilian secretary after college. I didn't pursue it senior year as my father's health was poor. (3) When my ex was floundering, I wish I'd known then what I knew years later as I'd had forced him to seek intensive counselling.

Tina in CT said...

P.S. We all know the saying about hindsight and "only if".

Annie said...

"For all sad words of tongue and pen, The saddest are these, 'It might have been." (Whittier, "Maud Mueller") I read that quote when I was a strange little girl reading Victorian poetry and they just stuck with me....

My biggest many! Maybe I'll blog about them.....

Annie said...

Those words just stuck with me. Right. I teach English.