Monday, April 25, 2011

Just before going to Church, I managed to get my girlz together for a quick photoshoot..30 or 40 pictures later and I got this one..Easter was wonderful. For the first time, AugustRose got to go to the big kidz service. Of course I was working with that group, so finally we were all together at Church! Soon AugustRose will move up to the big kidz group permanently and my life will be much easier.
I felt enormous gratitude all day Sunday. My mom was at Church and came over for lunch afterwards. We missed my sister, but she is having some "med" troubles that have to do with her Bipolar and wasn't up for it..

Today after school, I was running around gathering materials for AugustRose's upcoming 5th birthday and I had that familiar feeling. It only happens on sunny days and when a certain smell drifts into my space. It's the feeling of upcoming excitement. Not that I have any big fun news now...It is the feeling I remember with both adoptions. It's a quick feeling that comes and goes in a flash, but it's enough to make me smile..For those who have adopted, it's the direct recollection of the way most of us felt once we have been given a court date, and our travel arrangements have been made..Just pure joy..I wish I felt that way more. I think that feeling is the same feeling "crack-heads" talk about..That feeling of searching for the perfect 1st  high. Cept I won't be adopting or doing crack any time soon..

 I have around 40 or so days left of school. I will be going to Transfair this year. There are 4 schools in my district that are much closer to my house. I will try for each of those and see how it goes..I really don't want to leave my team, but getting stuck in traffic last week, knowing Anna had come home sick, made the final decision for me..I have gone back and forth with this. And there is a big chance I won't get a job at one of the schools I am trying to transfer to. So this is one of those times that I have really given this over to God. I have prayed about my job for 3 years. Three. It seemed that after AugustRose came home from Russia, my work became more cumbersome. The bell schedule changed and slammed me right in the middle of one of the country's worst commutes. And don't get me started on gas prices...

So for now, I am just in a state of "eeehhh" and counting the days to the glorious fabulous summer where I will spend my days on my dad's sandy shores of Naples of Florida...Hey! I am already feeling better! (not really, but I hate to leave here like negative Nelly)

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Happy Easter

I know, it's not about the chocolates and treats, but it's so fun..The girlz can't wait for Church tomorrow. It's called WhiteWash Sunday..Loads of fun, lots of songs, everything is white, and best of all..My kidz are figuring out that this is the day that Jesus came back to us..Big concept to understand..

I am ending my spring break. Which breaks my heart. I am counting the days until I only have to deal with MY OWN children. I have said it before, and I will say it today. I gotta find a way to change it up so that I don't have DREAD every Sunday night..

H A P P Y     E A S T E R  E V E R Y O N E!!!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Cheetah vs Lion, Mother cheetah chases and owns Lion to protect her cubs...

This is for all the mothers out there, who may normally stand their ground, but when faced with a bigger, scarier foe, you turn TOWARDS the enemy and charge Forward.... Today and for a while, I will have my  nose in the air sniffing for the slightest smell of an intruder... The whole school bullying thing is much more serious than I expected. I am okay with that... Just want my baby to go to school and not have to fake sick so that she can sneak home and NOT deal with the bully that is in her class. And lets just say this..And it goes against everything I thought I believe..We are thinking of privates school..Only to keep my child around other kids whose parents didn't THREATEN TO BEAT THE ASS OF A SCHOOL EMPLOYEE...Nice huh? That is who my sweet lovin' angel is in class with..

Monday, April 04, 2011

Are Platform Espadrilles My True Desire

Sunday in Church, Rusty gave a message from James. It was all about planning for our future. And how God wants us to come to Him with every possible new idea. As it was put, We should pray for insight on decisions, not inform God of our plans. I am working on this one. I tend to organize my thoughts into the pros and cons and then sort of go to the Big J and ask him to Bless the idea..When I was planning, plotting and scheming to get to Russia to teach next year, I did ask J what to do..I shared my reasons for wanting to go, and gave it to him. I was in constant prayer about handling the result no matter what the outcome..And once I knew I wouldn't be going to Russia, I have had to go to J a lot about accepting it. Because I really did want it....and still, I struggle with not getting that opportunity.
My favorite part about the message Sunday, was that we should
Make God's will our desire..
"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalms 37:4

This is difficult for me. I can't seem to make everything in my life for God. I am always on a back slide to "catch God up" to what I am doing. And the hardest thing is that I don't know what the desires of my heart actually are. I know what I want day to day, but I have to ask myself, "Is it really a goal to just live?" or should I be making some grand gesture towards a life? Cause on most days the desire of my heart is to hire a babysitter slash MAID to come in and deal with my children and messes so that I can hit the shoe store for some platform espadrilles. (Yes, I am back in giant heals)

I often find myself waiting. Waiting to live the life I am meant to, until a big moment comes along.
If I am honest with myself, I felt most alive during my divorce and adoptions. Busy, a mission, a goal, an outcome that changed my life. I wasn't really living during those seasons of my life. I was doing. Doing life to get the outcome. But really. How many kids can I adopt? How many husbands can I ditch?
It seems at times I can't be comfortable as the regular girl I actually am. In my heart, I am the girl that is just on the cusp of something magical. Thinking about this, I try to figure out what is it that the Big J wants from me? He put the dreams in my head, He put the desires in my heart. But being that I am a cluster eff of wants and needs inside my ticker, I can't figure it all out.
So at the end do you believe in Julia Roberts' idea from her movie? You know, the Physics of the Quest?
Am I brave enough to leave behind everything I find comfortable and treat everyone along the journey as a teacher?
If so, will the truth be revealed?

(please forgive the Turkish subs)