Monday, April 04, 2011

Are Platform Espadrilles My True Desire

Sunday in Church, Rusty gave a message from James. It was all about planning for our future. And how God wants us to come to Him with every possible new idea. As it was put, We should pray for insight on decisions, not inform God of our plans. I am working on this one. I tend to organize my thoughts into the pros and cons and then sort of go to the Big J and ask him to Bless the idea..When I was planning, plotting and scheming to get to Russia to teach next year, I did ask J what to do..I shared my reasons for wanting to go, and gave it to him. I was in constant prayer about handling the result no matter what the outcome..And once I knew I wouldn't be going to Russia, I have had to go to J a lot about accepting it. Because I really did want it....and still, I struggle with not getting that opportunity.
My favorite part about the message Sunday, was that we should
Make God's will our desire..
"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalms 37:4

This is difficult for me. I can't seem to make everything in my life for God. I am always on a back slide to "catch God up" to what I am doing. And the hardest thing is that I don't know what the desires of my heart actually are. I know what I want day to day, but I have to ask myself, "Is it really a goal to just live?" or should I be making some grand gesture towards a life? Cause on most days the desire of my heart is to hire a babysitter slash MAID to come in and deal with my children and messes so that I can hit the shoe store for some platform espadrilles. (Yes, I am back in giant heals)

I often find myself waiting. Waiting to live the life I am meant to, until a big moment comes along.
If I am honest with myself, I felt most alive during my divorce and adoptions. Busy, a mission, a goal, an outcome that changed my life. I wasn't really living during those seasons of my life. I was doing. Doing life to get the outcome. But really. How many kids can I adopt? How many husbands can I ditch?
It seems at times I can't be comfortable as the regular girl I actually am. In my heart, I am the girl that is just on the cusp of something magical. Thinking about this, I try to figure out what is it that the Big J wants from me? He put the dreams in my head, He put the desires in my heart. But being that I am a cluster eff of wants and needs inside my ticker, I can't figure it all out.
So at the end do you believe in Julia Roberts' idea from her movie? You know, the Physics of the Quest?
Am I brave enough to leave behind everything I find comfortable and treat everyone along the journey as a teacher?
If so, will the truth be revealed?

(please forgive the Turkish subs)

1 comment:

Annie said...

I should think that you felt most alive during your divorce and adoptions because things were NEW and a bit FRIGHTENING.... In a sense you WERE relying on Jesus, and living fully in the moment, really AWARE because everything is new and different and requires ATTENTION. At least that's what I think. I sometimes think that I'd do better as a world traveller, or something because I SO long for those moments when I see and experience everything NEW!

Adoption is like falling in love - well it IS falling in love, but better than falling in love with a guy (in MY opinion) are so AWARE of this new, little soul who has come into your life. And, really, I continue being aware of them.... I love being a mom, but I'd love to do it again! Russia is still different enough to keep me living in the moment.