Saturday, June 04, 2011

I Dare You To Move

I listened to this song on the way home yesterday. And then when I got home, I listened again. And then I cried. Cried my eyes out. So much to be thankful for but for right now, I am feeling really sorry for myself. Seems like I can't get anything together in my life. Seems like I am not where I want to be in life. And lately, it makes me cry. Do I miss being loved? Could be. Maybe I miss being  excited. I know I miss being able to get lost on any given day.
I have always done things on my own, and I have lots of help. Maybe I don't feel in control. The whole "too many chiefs theory?"

It's Saturday and I had to go stand in line for 3 hours to ballet recital tickets. I am still sick. And I am anxious. My face has gone numb again, and my joints ache.
I am feeling a bit disenchanted at Church lately. I know our job is to welcome newcomers, but sometimes the regulars need a little love..I know that sounds very unChristian, but it is my truth. I am stretched thin and haven't been to Adult Church more than twice in the past couple of months...I can feel that my soul is not being fed. I used to go to small group, but one more night out is more than I can handle..Honestly, I am too tired to go out at 7 and come home at 9...People forget that teaching 5 year olds is not the same as sitting at a desk. I am always ON..Now downtime. I haven't had a lunch that lasted more than 20 minutes, in well, 20 years...
OK. I have whined enough. It is getting dark outside and once again, I am feeling teary eyed.. 


Annie said...

Oh, my gosh, Julianne - my heart is aching for you. I wish I could spend a quiet evening with you, just listening.

I think you want something to look forward to. Something that will bring back the magic of creation and perk your excitement. Or - wait - that's what I want. But, maybe it is what you want, too.

If I can get the money together, I hope to come out to D.C. at the end of the month. I SO hope we can get together.

kate said...

(ummm...this turned out longer than i thought...but will leave it.)

When we are stressed, our health suffers. TRY to take care of yourself.

Why in the world did you have to stand in line for recital tickets? Shouldn't they just GIVE you tickets?

I know you love having your parents around to help, but that would drive me CRAZY. One of the important geographical considerations for our move back to the US was not being too close to family.

It's hard because you only have two years left until retirement, don't you? I think I'd stick it out if I were you. What can you do to not be miserable? How can work not consume your life? Are you on committees you can give up? Can you be a "clock-puncher"?

Would your job be guaranteed if you took a sabbatical? Do you have saving that would allow you to do that--even if you just lived at home and didn't work for a year I think you'd feel better.

I'm *SO* looking forward to my stint as a sahm. It's a huge blessing and an unheard of gift for a single mom. I'm hoping the time off will rejuvenate me and prepare me to re-enter the rat race. I'm hoping even MORE that I can find a way to work from home and NOT re-enter the rat race.

Big hugs. You're in a tough place. Cry. Surrender. Pray. Listen.

Tina in CT said...

I think it's important for kids to have grandparents in their lives and your girls are blessed. It also gives you helping hands.

What about some sleepovers with the grandparents so you can have some time for just you? Do you have any GNO nights for yourself?

Since you are so close to retirement from teaching, I think you should stick it out and then try something different. You are so lucky to have that retirement looming ahead. Security. Then you can start your second career.

teachingrules said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
teachingrules said...

hang in there two and a half more weeks sis...then you can laugh, run, and have fun in the sun!

Hevel said...

I'm sorry, I keep coming back and comment and delete the comment without sending, but there are two sentences that make me worry about where you are: "I know our job is to welcome newcomers, but sometimes the regulars need a little love..I know that sounds very unChristian, but it is my truth."

What's unchristian about wanting your spiritual needs being taken care of? Or of it's truly that, what happened to Christianity? When did expansion and getting more numbers become more important than fellowship and growth and nurturing? Maybe it's time to move churches?