Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Thanks Every One..

I just wanted to touch base and let you all know that appreciate all of your encouraging words!!

HAPPY CHRISTMAS...
(I may be back before that)

Monday, December 19, 2011

"Yes, I am a 12 year old.."

Ya know when something happens and it irritates you. You let it roll off your back and sort of move on. At those times, it doesn't feel personal.  You don't forget, but you don't let it sink in to your soul and really bother you.. It doesn't make you question decisions or
people, today aint that day.
Today, the "thing" that has irritated me is one of those that makes me go...Are you effing kidding me?" "After all I have done..."

Some NYC cuteness....

And yes, my response will make you ask yourself, "What is she 12?"  and as the title of this indicates, Yes..There are times when I am just that. 12


I won't go into specifics, (Okay I will just not yet) but needless to say, that when you make it about my kiddos, it's over.
O.VAH
Remember, I am still pissed at some for NOT showing up at the airport to welcome AugustRose home. Of course Missi was there. Why wouldn't she be? We are real friends. It's deep and that's what friends do. We were hours late, and she had driven up to DC to meet us, and then waited for us...Waited, and waited...I love her for that..
She showered Auggie with gifts before and after her arrival. She called and checked on us, and of course gave crucial advice. My Florida BFF was so concerned about our transition that she and her daughter got on a plane 1 day after Christmas and came to stay with me.Lee, I won't ever forget that. It's what people who love you do. (My family was there for me, and I don't lessen their invaluable help. There is no GreenGirlz without my mom, dad, and sis..) But this is about friendships that I had grown to value, and am saddened to learn they weren't reciprocal.

So yesterday I realized that no matter what I do, my Sundays won't ever be like they were. Cause I just can't



My Church has moved onto a place of family focused fellowship. And when I say family focused, I mean a mom, dad, and 2.5 children. What used to feel welcoming and warm to me, now leaves this "singletonwithchildren" out of the loop. Many things are geared to be inclusive, but without a group or a at least a friend or two, I feel awkward attending anything other than Sunday school for the girlz.  I cannot go to small group, because I am simply too worn out on Thursday nights at 6.30-9.00 pm. There is no childcare and quite honestly most people don't get how my job is different than other types of jobs. My job not only physically wears me out, but emotionally, it drains me to the point of tears almost daily. Not only that, but I have school work to do each night. Oh, and let me throw in the 2 graduate courses I am taking. (So when I hear people say, "It's only 2 nights a month." I want to rip my ears off my head..

NYC at the Macy's Parade

My need to be spiritually fed is not met because I am teaching Sunday school all the time.
I tried to take myself off the schedule but was put on again. I have been teaching since 6 months after I joined the Church. Long before I had children of my own. We have 3 services..And a million children, but the tiniest percentage of parents help out as our membership requires..So like with so many other organizational requirements, "It's Important til It's Not." It has been asked that parents volunteer, but somehow I am teaching more. Which means I don't go to service. Parents show up at the door with coffee in their hand, and I want to say, "Don't you realize we are all waiting for you?" I have to leave my own daughter in her class while parents mosey up to get their kids..and let me throw in, most of these parents DO NOT volunteer in KidsTime..My though is, if you have a child in the program, you should be serving. But no. And it doesn't seem to bother anyone but me.  I could stay for the second service and put my kids in the VIP Lounge, but again..After teaching, I am ready to get the heck outta dodge and decompress. Only hours from that point I have to spend the entire day with OPP at my real job. So I leave. I come home, stare at my messy house, and stare some more.

Ok, so back to now. Back to why I am a 12 year old today.
As we are all aware, it's Christmas Time. And with that comes a Christmas Eve service for adults and children. Last year my girlz were asked to participate in the children's service. When I happily agreed, I assumed most families were asked. At the first practice I realized it was a select few. We were "chosen." There were several practices and as a teacher, I was active in managing movement, assisting with songs, etc...I was so busy with it, but I realized and was proud that we were a chosen family. I took it as a nod for being a constant teacher at KidsTime, and a nod to my girlz for being well mannered. It was a blast last year and my girlz were tickled to be on stage and among the cast of the show.. So I hadn't heard what would be the plan for this year. It just days away from the service and nothing.
So yesterday in the middle of the KidsTime lesson, the leader says, "and some of our kids are going to be in the show on Christmas Eve. Raise your hands if you have been CHOSEN." HOLY KRAP... obviously my family missed out on being chosen...I was furious. After showing up for OPP for years, my family was no longer in the chosen group..No I don't lead the group service in KidsTime, I am just a teacher. But that is the one spot where the need is greatest..No, I don't volunteer to teach at all the services, but I am ONE person..
During song time, I hid my fury and asked the leader what was going on. She shared that an email was sent out asking for names. Ok, I am there teaching all the time. Why didn't I get the email? If it was sent to the whole group leaders then that would be typical..Ask the ones who aren't actually in the classes..Ask the ones who get the glory..Anyway, of everyone who  got the email, no one thought to ask the family who helped so much last year? No one thought to ask a TEACHER who knows how to manage children? And the kicker, no one thought to ask the 2 little girls who are the kindest most easy to manage?  So on the way home, I got to explain to them why they were not asked to be in the service, "I guess they wanted to give other children a chance" I told them..(Yeah right, I saw the kids whose hands went up..)


So, just like a 12 year old, I am taking my toys and going home. Times change and I have felt the change for years. I have spoken on the phone less than 10 times to friends from Church in 3 years.
Because I am single, I don't really fit in with the marrieds, because I have children I don't really fit into the singles. The direction of the Church as a whole is clear to some, but because I am upstairs with the children, I often have no idea what is going on. And this devastates me. Church used to be where All of my friends were. For example on Sunday, I left and 2 of my small group didn't even acknowledge me..Or my girlz.
There are so many new people at our Church and I feel like an outsider while there. It seems that the focus has been on the new families, and some of us are left on our own. So many things require the one thing I am short on, time. Today  I told my girlz that we won't be going to the Christmas Eve service. I can't be there and watch children perform and none of them live in my house. (This is where you say I am acting like a 12 year old)

It's funny the things that hurt us..

Marriott Loveliness

What's not funny is when my littles get hurt..And that won't happen twice.
NYC after the parade...


I have decided that we will go to the Gaylord Hotel and have dinner on Christmas Eve. The girlz were bummed to miss Church, but they would be even more bummed if they saw some friends on the stage knowing they were left out..
I can't wait for the next 3 days to be over. My dad is here for a few weeks, and we will enjoy this holiday like crazy. The girlz have some really cool treats going under the tree! Hint Hint, pretty much all of their presents are for outdoor play. They are such yard dogs and need a couple of things to make their outdoor adventures a bit more fun!

It's ok if you think I am acting like a 12 year old..Sometimes I feel like a 12 year old..

Friday, December 16, 2011

4

4school days til a break in the chaos..4 work days til I can stop worrying about things/children that only belong to me for 8 hours a day..4 more wake up days that fill me with anxiety and dread...

It's no one's fault. It's just the way the ball bounces at Title I schools. There's a reason that the government pays off the student loans of teachers at schools like mine. They are places full of teachers who desperately want to help children, but are hindered often by the parents of those very students..

My lil sibling who lost her sister is just pitiful. Several kids in my class cry a lot. Several of them also are convinced with every Boo-Boo that they may die. I have used 100's of bandages in a week. They all just need reassurance that they are okay..Bless their hearts. This week was full of hugs. Today on the playground, one lil gal who left school yesterday with a toothache, sat on my lap..and fell asleep. Her took throbbing,  (I wanted to keep her at school at least through lunch) I rubbed her jaw and she seemed to get a lil rest. Again, bless their hearts...

My own lil gals are in the bed with me tonight..I feel guilty. Something has to give. My head spins as I try to imagine where I will find the time to look for another teaching job. Honestly, it might be time for another lil break. I took one 8 years into my teaching career, and it was a savior. If I could take another one, I think I might be okay for the final stretch. I have 9 more years til' full retirement. If I kept going, that would mean right about the time college will start for my girlz, I will retire....And start a new job..Hmmm...
Not sure about that one..

Ok..just checkin' in..

Saturday, December 10, 2011

S.A.D.N.E.S.S.

A child at my school died yesterday. It was a sudden sickness and then it was over.
Her lil' sister is in my class..
And I am not sure how this is going to affect my whole class. They all knew her, and loved her as the big sis of someone in my class...
I am devastated for the family...