Saturday, March 17, 2012

I've Lost My POV

So what am I saying? I am not sure where this blog fits into my life anymore…It seems that my world is much less about adoption, single motherhood, or Russia and much more about teaching, the girlz activities and regular ole life. I never really planned to keep blogging. Hell, I never planned to begin blogging. It fell into my life as an easy, online way to scrap-book without needing a glue gun or tons of supplies.

What I thought once I got going, was that our life would somehow magically rearrange itself into a more Soviet focused existence living somewhere in Russia. I thought we would be there by now. I thought the journey to find out what is truly at the heart of a Russian would have begun long ago. After all, my girlz are Russian. I wanted nothing more than to give them two homes. Because as most adoptive families know, the mystery will be questioned later on. I wanted to help my girlz with it now. I wanted to offer them a life in Russia with me, while all the while slowly allowing the mystery of their birthplace to unravel. My point of view became so much more than wanting to move.  Strangely, I have wanted the approval of Russia. I Wanted to slip into cafés and listen the language as if it were my very own.  I wanted strangers to smile at us with nodding approval and say, “Spasiba, you’ve done good kid.”  In other ways, I wanted to prove to so many, that yes, I can survive the winters, the oppressive bureaucracy, the language, the distance.  But mostly, I just wanted that feeling of thrill and excitement you have when you travel to Russia to meet a child who will change you into a parent.

I guess I can only equate it to using drugs. Odd, I know, but I have always heard that once you try (Insert Drug of Choice here) you spend the rest of the time chasing that high. And I guess that is what I have been doing.  I was never happier then while on my trips to Russia. There was stress and boatloads of tears,  but from the bottom of my feet to the fly away hairs on my head, I was in a complete Russia High. So how can I never want that again? I surely don’t want to adopt again.  Do I?

Only one person has understood. But then again, she is as crazy if not more crazy then me. She didn’t adopt 2 children, she adopted 3. And that was after she had given birth to 2 bio babies…

The problem is I used to feel like I had something valuable to say. I used to be full of so much information that I always felt behind. There were times that I made lists of what I could write about. Now, the only things I feel inspired to write about are the injustices that every teacher faces on a pretty regular basis.  I could write a book on the amount of time I spend doing paperwork that no one needs or looks at, but that doesn’t give me a sense of satisfaction. It only frustrated me more. The majority of the unbelievable school events that weigh so heavily on me are absolutely confidential so it is hard to explain a situation without being able to fully explain...

So I want to do a wrap up of where we are right now, our plans, and but this blog into a cyber vault..

Anna

My Anna is in 3rd grade this year. She is doing great in school. She is solidly average in most subjects but in reading she is above grade level. And her heart, well it is still as big as it was when she was born to me. She has been a vegetarian for close to 4 years now. The thought of eating an animal makes her cry, and I have never pushed the issue.  She is in her 6th year of ballet, and her 2nd year of tap. She loves the classes, and thankfully her studio is old school. They DO NOT compete in dance competitions, as the director sees no place for that in early dance training.  Anna loves the outdoors. Now that the weather is a bit warmer, she spends hours at the creek behind our house, playing explorer. We have 8 children on our street, and 3 more at the end of our street. And they play. The kind of play most of us did as kids. They pretend to be geologist on a dig looking for treasures that were said to be lost just behind our houses…When dark comes, they pack up their kits and come in, smelling like the great outdoors.   Anna had a tv in her room, but I took it out a long time ago. She has her computer but only at night for a bit before she falls asleep.  She goes to bed easily, and rises with just as much ease. Sometimes she can be a bear in the mornings. But I forgive her. I can be a bear too. Anna is very easy to love. She is aware of her feelings, and shares them easily. Anna is a good friend.  Anna will be a teacher or nurse I suppose. She has no competitive instincts. She’s more of a team player. 

AugustRose is in kindergarten this year and doing beautifully. She reads well and has picked up all of her skills with relative ease. She talks too much in class and can be sensitive to redirection. She is just like me in so many ways. She’s independent and can play alone for hours. School, dress up, whatever  strikes her that day, she will play it.  August has a quick tongue that gets her in trouble sometimes. Sassy. Again, so much like her momma.  She has mastered shrugging her shoulders in an “I don’t care” sort of way. She likes to get the last word in and I see teenage years being a nightmare with this one. But then nighttime comes, and she brings her little pillowcase with her to my room and snuggles into bed with me.  And we cuddle.  I stroke her hair until she sleeps. When I say her name and kiss her face in the night, she smiles in her sleep and squeezes my neck.   Like her sister, August is in ballet for the 3rd year and loves it. She is a great listener and is quite coordinated. She will be a show stopper when she’s older.  August isn’t much for competition either.  She is more of a sideline watcher.  August will be an attorney I bet. She loves an argument, and can back up her defense without any help!

My girlz are enjoyable and love to do pretty much anything. It doesn’t take much to please them. Grocery Store? Sure..Haircuts? Absolutely. Silver Diner? YES PLEASE!  Along those lines, they love to travel. We take the bus to NYC and when adults see them they give the look of “Oh Great 2 Little Kids that are going to complain and whine the whole time”  Usually those same people tell me at the end of the trip, “Your girlz are simply delightful.”  And they are right. Planes, trains, and automobile trips to Florida are so fun, because the girlz are ready for adventure. 

Both girlz love their Auntie, and my parents. We are all pretty close and even though my dad lives in Florida, he flies up every 3 weeks to spend 10 or so days with us. My girlz think of him just like I did. They think he can do anything. They love him to bits and are already making plans for our summer at his beach house.  My mom has the harder role, she’s gotta help with the homework..She’s like a second mom to the girlz. There is no formality like there was with my grandmother. The girlz pop over to her house to spend the days on some weekends, and enjoy time with her nic-nacs! It’s the same with my sister. They have been going over there for the night every other weekend. Yes, I have to drive up there at bed time to give them kisses goodnight. But after 8 years, Anna only just started spending the night with her.

I won’t go into where my head is right now..Let’s just say I am still searching for plan b. I am pretty sure I am having a mid-life crisis. I miss my Xhusband. Cause if he was around, I’d divorce his ass all over again. And feel fabulous about it! HahahHaa!

I have enjoyed getting to  know many of you, and of course everyone’s comments. For now I will ask that you look for updates from us on facebook. I am jojogreen there.  With time, I am sure I will start a new blog when my point of view becomes more clear to me. But for now,

до свидания

Das Vedanya


9 comments:

Tina in CT said...

I see we're FB friends. Is your newsfeed set up so it will pop up in our FB?

I'll miss your blog.

Annie said...

Well, you haven't paid very close attention if you didn't realize that I understand precisely where you are coming from and wanted EXACTLY the same thing. Only...with the impediment of a husband, I had to revise the hopes a bit (though one weird day, for a few moments he said, "Let's go teach in Russia." He didn't mean it, I don't think.)

That Russian high. I don't know if one could catch it by moving there to teach. I wonder. I think so. I think that the great change, that great adventure would be pretty special - even if a new child didn't come out of it. That broadening of the mind, understanding things and people you didn't understand before - that would be there, for sure. Everything NEW! Different. The Russians call it, in literary terms "making it strange"....when you can see something old as though it is for the first time. I too, want to see life, like that - as I did in Russia. Nothing in my life has been like it. Nothing.

I loved doing theatre. I loved the Irish Dance world, I used to really love my job. But, there's been nothing like Russia.

So, how about a summer program? If we weren't struggling along dirt poor, I was going to do that. What orphanage wouldn't love an English teacher for free for the summer...or, I was thinking, in exchange for room and board for me and the kids. Airfare is all I need but I can't save that much. :(

If we ever rise above poverty level, I want to do it.

I'll miss you. FB just doesn't do it. It's like running into someone in passing at the mall.

Anonymous said...

Frequent reader here wishing you well. You are not crazy about the Russian high. I can completely relate. After adopting our daughter, I desperately wanted to live there for the thrill and excitement. We also applied for jobs but I have resigned it won't happen. But God has opened other avenues to keep us involved in Russia and I look forward to seeing where that goes. Perhaps He has that plan for you too! Best wishes!

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This comment has been removed by the author.
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Char lotte said...

Its so cute pics from the child kissing for wish, Thanks for sharing.....





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